The Creative Union of Comedy and Musical Films
Presents
Kin-Dza-Dza!
Screenplay Revaz Gabriadze Giorgi Danelia
Director Giorgi Danelia
Cinematography Paval Lebeshev
Design Aleksandr Samulekin Theodor Tezik
Composer Gia Kancheli
Sound Yekaterina Popova
Orchestra Director Sergei Skripka
Assistant Directors L. Bits K. Gevorkyan
Camera U. Yakovlev
Hi
What's new?
Manohin had a pipe burst at the factory.
How's the star schoolboy?
He's out playing...
Vovka, pop out for some bread. I forgot it, can you?
And I don't think there's enough macaroni.
Comrade, that man says he's from another planet. We need to do something.
Call emergency.
I will, but he's barefoot, he'll catch cold.
Hello!
Hello. Excuse my bad smell. It's so cold. So I found this in an iron bin.
Fine.
Friend! Tell me the number of your planet in the tenture?
Or at least the number of your galaxy in the spiral?
I got my contacts mixed up and now I can't return home.
We know the number, but we cannot remember it now, my friend.
This lad will go to a bureau to look it up.
And you will wait with me at the bakers, okay?
And put this on, for the time being...
Thank you...
Listen, my friends. There's no need for the bakers, nor for the bureau.
This is my planet... 247 in tenture, galaxy Beta in the Spiral.
With this my space travel machine.
So which co-ordinates do I press in order to travel home?
You see, time is relative - do you understand this?
Let me make a suggestion.
We'll just press this contact and travel to your home.
But if this machine doesn't work,
then you travel with us to where we want to take you, okay?
No, please don't. You need to know exactly.
Yes we can...
So what can you see? Eh?
Sand...
So that shitty gadget worked...
and that idiot, with his holes, he stayed behind?
Don’t worry...
There's the sun, there's sand, there's gravity.
Where are we? We're on Earth. Or...
Or?
No, let's take it we're on Earth, in some desert... So?
Karakumi? Eh? What other deserts do we have?
Gobi, Sahara...
No, I said, do WE have!
The only other one is the Kyzylkumi.
No. Let's take it that it's the Karakumi. Eh?
So that means...
The sun's in the west... so, Ashabad is this way. Understood?
Let's go!
Come on!
Comrade, what's your name?
Vladimir Nikolaevich.
And I'm Gedevan.
Pleased to meet you...
You have a bottle in your bag, is it wine?
No, it's wine vinegar.
And some herbs - coriander.
So we'll live well.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you remember what number was given by the guy who took my socks?
No.
Only maybe we're on the planet, he came from?
Listen, Skripach! Whatever we guess, it's all the same and won’t change a thing!
Now we choose a direction and go.
The most important thing is to reach water. Alright?
Vladimir Nikoaevich, I want to put my slippers on.
Well, put them on!
Then wait!
What's the time?
Four.
In the morning?
Yes...
Are you late?
I feel uncomfortable... I phoned the airport to say I'd be there in an hour. And here we are...
Are you studying at the conservatory?
No, it's not mine. It's from Prof. Rogozin.
He gave a concert for us, and they forgot to put the violin in the plane.
A banquet?
No, just a dinner...
Ah! Are you from Tibilisi?
No, Batumi.
I thought I'd return the violin, and still have time to catch the train.
I study textiles in Ivanovo.
Aha...
First I tried to enter the MGIMO, the Institute of International Relations, but they told me that...
Quiet!...
A man...
Hello...
We're in the West.
Do you know any languages?
English. Some French.
Tell them we have no money...
Tell them we can't pay them.
Hello! We are from a group of tourists and we've strayed from the group.
Take us to the town, there we'll manage it by ourselves. Translate.
Hello..
Chatl!
No money. Our money, documents, - all is left with the tour guide.
It's an accident... We left our bus just for a minute and lost it in the sands.
Take it. It's warm.
Excuse me, what?
You want my hat?
I'm sorry... it's not mine, I can't give it away.
There's nothing in there.
Open it.
It's not wine, it's vinegar.
Sour, eh?
Well friend so it's agreed? You'll take us?
Skripach, quickly...
Like I said we must get to the town, and there we'll manage it!
Want the sweater?
Bastards!
Good that I kept the violin.
Now they feel ashamed!
What 'Ktse'?
He seems to want the matches.
You want the matches?
There.
The whole box?
Take us away from here, and we'll give you the 'koo'.
No "Made in" in here, not a letter...
Excuse me, I don't understand...
What do they want?
They want 'koo'!
Thank you...
He wants me to wear the bell.
He won't get it.
I'll wear it, Vladimir Nikolaevich, if it makes him happy...
Go ahead!
All right, I'm persuaded.
I'll smoke, if that's all right with you...
Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, maybe we really are on...
Yes! They're typical Martians.
Lusya, darling, why did you only need those macaroni!
So. We speak Russian, don't we? Why was it necessary to conceal it?
We didn't conceal it.
It's very difficult to fathom a language, when you always think in two languages.
And that Patsak is talking all the time in languages, the rest of which he doesn't know.
Why are you staring at me, maimoona verishvilo?
They speak Georgian too...
What did he say?
Ape, son of a donkey.
So. We're from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange.
Authorities know about us, and where we are, and they search for us.
If you don't let us contact our embassy, there will be large scale repercussions, is that clear?
We don't understand ‘embassy’, put on the tsak quickly!
That means you understand macaroni and maimuni, but you don’t know what's an embassy, idiots.
I've had enough! You're morons, understand?
You thought about macaroni so I could say it. This is not the Earth, and not Africa, my friend.
It's the planet Pluke, 215 in tenture, galaxy Kin Dza Dza in the Spiral, clear?
Shit... That's a situation.
Put on the tsak, my friend... Put it on.
There we are, well done.
Excuse me, where are we?
Sh! Íe has very sensitive ears. Do you know the tenture of your own planet?
Tenture?
Well, at least the number of your galaxy in the Spiral.
In the Spiral?
In the Spiral. The Spiral...
Our planet Earth... it orbits with such planets as Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter...
What others, Vladimir Nikolaevich?
The Great Bear.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, come here.
On your planet do you have more matches?
Well, you'll find them.
How many will you give us if we set you back there?
How many do you need?
Two boxes like these!
Seven!
Seven.
And give me what you have now, I will buy a gravitsapa on it.
Sorry, but what is a gravitsapa?
Without a gravitsapa a pepelats can only fly like this,
but with one it can reach any point in the Universe in five seconds.
My friends, how come you take your pepelats from the garage without a gravitsapa?
That's no good practice.
We had a gravitsapa. But when we arrived here, it was stolen.
Aha.
But don't you have a space travel machine?
No.
Give me the matches.
Give us some water.
Like this! You need to do this!
It's yours now, smoke like this.
Thank you.
He says there they have a gravitsapa. Put your matches here.
Listen to me. When you set us back on the Earth, you can have these both.
What?
Come on, Skripach, let's enter the cosmic space.
Wait! Give it back!
On mother Earth you'll get them.
Vladimir Nikolaevich! You said if we take you, you will give us them all.
But then you stole this match from us. Patsak doesn't cheat patsak! It's not nice, my friend...
I said - take us to the town!
And what's this?
A shed.
And what's this? What's this? What's this here - not a town?!
Don't fool with us. Show us your gravitsapa. If it's a good brand, we'll take it.
Patsak! Whom will I trade your smuggled ktse here, also in front of witnesses?
I'll get etsikh with nails for my lifetime for this.
Have you got a brain in your head or 'kyu'?
We'll buy it ourselves. Come on.
Stop! Stop I say!
Who are you? I asked, who are you?
An alien foreman.
No. You're a patsak. And who are you?
I'm a Georgian.
No, You're a patsak too. You're a patsak, you're a patsak and he's a patsak.
But I'm chatlanian, and they are chatlanian.
So you wear the tsak and sit in the pepelats, understand?
What?
Watch when I point a visator at myself, my friend... what colour? Green.
Now at him, watch - green too. And at you...green.
Now look at Uef - which colour? Orange?
Because he is Chatlanian! Now you understand?
So what?
Pluke belongs to Chatlanians. Therefore we, Patsaks, must wear the tsak.
Yes, and in front of Chatlanians you must do like this.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, it's unashamed racism.
Show us again, please.
Like this!
If you would, a little slower...
Like this.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, your wife is at home, your son doing badly at school,
you have to pay your mortgade you haven't paid yet,
and you're here... fooling around. It may have a bad end, my friend.
Very well, Skripach, let's play their games...
There we are, well done.
Now give the match to Uef, so he buys a gravitsapa.
He said he needed all of them.
I was joking.
Very funny.
Wait. I come with you...
Don't show them your ktse, and don't think about it.
Show them only my ktse. And don't give more than half a match.
Gravitsapa costs half a match.
Your Patsak said, it costed the whole match.
He was joking too.
Grade 300 cement?
Patsak! Remember - Half or less.
Okay.
Excuse me - Chatlanian and Patsak - is it nationality?
No.
Biological factor?
No.
From different planets?
No.
So what distinguishes you from one another?
Are you colour blind, Skripach? Green differs from orange, doesn't it?
Tourist!
Wow!
Skyscraper!
Come on!
Do as I showed you.
Hello, miss. It not too cold in that coat, eh?
They don't want me. They want you alone. Don't give them ktse,
bring the gravitsapa here, and I'll look at it.
Go...
Not you!
We're together!
Not you!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him!
It's alright.
Wait here.
Stay exactly here!
Hi!
How's life?
You say, I shoul squat. Okey, out of respect for the ladies here.
Well what's new on Pluke?
Put here ktse, and you'll get the gravitsapa.
Half?
Half.
Can I look at it?
Look.
In general I am not a specialist on these gravitsapa, so let's go and show it to my Chatlanian. He'll examine it.
Right. Let's adjust the Tsapa.
Sope throat?
Water...
I have a proposal. I'll give you the rest of this ktse, and you give me two bottles of water. Agreed?
Let's do it.
Do you have any food?
Kasha...
What sort?
Plastic.
So if I give you a whole ktse, you'll give me five bottles of water and a kilo of kasha.
What is it?
Ktse.
We need to check it.
Check it!
Oi, just a second!
Wait...
Skripach! Can you obtain more matches on Earth?
I can.
If you can spit this further, I'll give you half a chatl. Like so... spit.
If I can, you give me two matches....
Do you see?
No.
It's a simple game. I give you half a chatl, you give me three matches.
Go ahead, spit, my son.
Thank you, I'd rather not.
Well fine. You give me one match, and I give you three chatls,
yellow trousers, and these odds. Go on!
No!
Blue trousers...
Mr. Uef, I will not play on any terms and conditions.
Is it your latest word?
Why do you then fool around with me, maimoona verishvilo?
Mr. Uef! I represent a civilized planet, and I demand that you attend your lexicon!
Where are they?
Who?
The one with a scar, I gave him all the matches, like an idiot.
Quiet, my friends. Enough!
Enough? What do you mean enough? I told him a thousand times, we need to go to the centre.
But he's greedy, like all Chatlanians - 'it's two chatls cheaper!'
Well there's still one.
As I understand it, enough for a gravitsapa.
Give it to me. Here.
Why?
To buy a gravitsapa.
Where?
There, in the centre.
And how will you set us to mother Earth, when you don't even know, in which galaxy it orbits?
Idiot, the number of your planet any planetarium in the centre will tell us for two chatls!
So you'll give me the match?
So you can bury us in sand?
So you won't give it?
No.
Is it your latest word?
The very latest!
Then good-bye, my friend.
They're going, Vladimir Nikolaevich.
They won't go anywhere, they'll hang themselves for a match.
Either you give us that match, or we won't set you to the Earth for less than 7 boxes!
Two thousand.
Three.
Two thousand three hundred.
Three.
Two thousand five hundred, I can't give you more.
You can, my friend.
Mr Beeh,
I have 50 rubles, matches cost 2 kopeks a box,
that means I can buy two and a half thousand...
Skripach you're lying! You have more chatls.
Mr. Uef! I am not Skripach for you! My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich...
What's that, an engine?
Don't poke your nose in every hole!
...Gedevan Alexandrovich...
Gedevan, let's tie up these lads now, and take a course to the North.
Why?
Maybe the shores of the Mediterranean are there?
Ha, so Vladimir Nicolaevich, you've gone out of your mind, my friend.
Where on Pluke is there a sea? They made luts from them long ago.
Sorry, they made what?
Fuel, Skripach, fuel...
Now you owe us 6 140 boxes.
How has it accumulated so much?
You ate the kasha, you drank the water... and took the bandura.
No, delete the bandura... we don't want the bandura. Put it down...
Let's at least take something technical, if not who will believe it?
Now trade them the violin, if you like the bandura so much.
It's an 18th century Italian violin, it costs 1000 rubles, if not more.
How will I pay for it?
Skripach, instead of constantly thinking that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut,
and that you'll get a Nobel Prize for this,
give back the spoon you stole from poor artists.
I never thought of such a thing...
I wanted to send it to the Institute of Non-ferrous Metals, maybe it's something new...
Heavens! The heavens never saw such a disreputable Patsak as you, Skripach.
I am deeply sad.
Where are you going?
To the toilet.
You can't go to the toilet with money, money is left here. Gedevan Aleksandrovich.
Ktse are very expensive, my friend.
Why?
Well now, on Earth, how do you determine who should squat in front of whom and how many times?
Well, you just have a feel for it.
Barbarians! Listen, I've started to like you, and I'm teaching you.
If I have a few ktse, I have the right to wear yellow trousers.
And in front of me a Patsak should squat not one, but two times.
If I have many ktse, I have the right to wear crimson trousers,
and both a Patsak should squat twice in front of me, and a Chatlanian should say 'koo'.
And the Etsilopp don't have the right to beat me at night. Never.
I have a suggestion, my friend. You give us the match now, and we'll give you yellow trousers after, okay?
Thanks, I have some already, perhaps Skripach needs them.
Skripach! Here are some interplanetary trousers for sale.
Yellow ones. Do you want them?
Skripach isn't here, my friend.
Why not?
I ejected him.
But you needn't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich - we have another ejector seat, a new one.
I don't understand...
I pressed the kappa - he flew.
We don't need Skripach, my friend, he only wastes extra fuel...
Turn around!
Not possible...
Luts is finished. We need to fly to the luts station.
Turn around! Or this damned match will burn now!
Gedevan!
Skripach!
What can have become of him?
You've been told. The etsilopps have caught him.
Well let's fly, my friend.
You're bastards!
Get in touch with the etsilopps by radio!
But we don't have a radio, we threw it out.
I'll take a look...
Etsilopp!
Put on the tsak, quick...
put on the tsak.
Leave it!
Put it on, or he will trankluk you. You and the match.
Good day.
Listen, friend, we lost a young lad here, you haven't come across him?
What?
Oh! Sorry, I forgot... They said you picked him up.
I said we don't need Skripach. I said it.
Now how do we buy luts? How?
You're a bad disease, my friend...
He's worse. He's just a 'kyu'.
Here's a suggestion. We find Skripach, and fly to the local government...
Bring a little sand, my friend...
We tell them who we are, where we're from...
They'll give us a gravitsapa, and we'll organize some mutually beneficial trade:
you give us yellow trousers and we give you as many ktse as you want.
To fly to the government - we need to have a gravitsapa.
The governors live on another planet, my friend.
Uncle Vova! I'm here!
Here...
Skripach!
What!
And where is my thing, this...
Tsak?
Well?
I have it.
So give it to me!
Why here?
Well, just give it to me, I said!
There's no one here.
That's mine.
Alright, then keep it ready.
You asleep?
No.
Don't lose heart, Skripach.
If there is a gravitsapa on this Pluke, we'll get it.
We've got scarcer things...
Listen!
Eh! Wait!
Listen, drop us off in the centre.
Patsak! Stop.
What?
Don't come any closer. Why do you want?
Take us to the centre!...
Three chatls.
No money! But we'll work for it!
And what can you do?
Me? I can do everything!
And what exactly?
Vladimir Nikolaevich is a builder foreman, he can build you a house.
And what can you do?
Me?
He can play the violin!
Play...
Play.
I can't!
See you around, Patsaks.
Woman! Wait! I can play!
Play!
Here?
There!
Wait a minute. I'll turn on the sound.
Play.
And sing.
Wait, wait!
How does it go...
Mama, mama, what should I do?...
Cool!
What?
I said, 'Cool!'
These people like it.
What?
These people like it!
Let me be a drummer.
How?
Foreman!
We don't need Skripach!
Don't worry, he can be useful. Give us some water to drink, eh?
I said, after the performance.
And we could take it by force.
Then you'd have to ask us.
Oo! Touch me - etselopp will come and pull off your legs.
I don't give a damn about your etsilopp!
Calm down, Skripach. Don't provoke the lady...
Foreman!
Look.....
Alright, I understand.
Listen, do you know anyone with a gravitsapa and a pepelats?
Why?
Well he could drop us off on Earth, and we'd give you a big box of ktse, and him...
I understand that your people don't trust words, well read what I'm thinking...
...that your wife is phoning the morgues.
No, what exactly now I'm thinking.
What you're going to give us.
Then it's the truth.
What idiot on Pluke thinks the truth?
Absurd!
So because you say what you don't think and think what you don't think, so you live in cages.
All this bitter cataclysm which I see here, and Vladimir Nikolaevich sees too...
Patsaks have to perform in a cage, so we need a cage. Why show off?
Doesn't matter, my dear, we will sing beside the cage.
Get in the cage or he will see us, and will trankluk you.
We're not animals.
What???
No you will come inside! Come inside!
Let go!
You will get in!
Wait!
Get in!
Get in, or he will melt us!
Okay, get in Skripach. If she wants it that badly.
Get in.
One two three...
Dance!
Dance...
You know, try to find another ensemble... my friend.
What???
I'll be back.
We've got to get out of here. Boys, push the cart, it's uphill.
The pleasure is ours...
Gas!
See you, bastards!
I will tell everybody...
...where this buffoon PZh has led the planet.
Patsaks have walked all over Chatlanians!
Well, everything there?
She stole the eau de cologne.
Women!...
Hang on, is that lead you got there?
Let me, uncle Vova.
I don't even know which way to look.
Where's the Earth?
Galina Borisovna! Comrade Mashkov and I, as patsaks, could receive two chatls
for a performance - it's the maximum.
Water, luts and fines for epsilopps - a minimum of one chatl a day.
And a gravitsapa costs half a ktse! That's 2200 chatls.
Divided by 365, take off Saturday and Sunday we get 6.
And that's for those 6 years when I had no way of returning!
That's all very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but these are just words.
Where is the proof, that you arrived from the space, and didn't sell the violin, as Prof. Rogozin alleges,
and spent all this time in a discotheque in Gagri?
Here's some rock.
Here's a chatl.
Here's a tsak.
And a nut and sand I attached to the explanation report and handed in
to Dean's secretary Raechka, so that it could be sent to UNESCO.
Where?
UNESCO.
You are a grown man, Gedevan Alexandrovich. You study for one term and disappear for years!
And explain yourself... with some pebble, some piece of old Caucas ceramics, and a fishing bell!
And you pretend to be... well, as to that, if you have musical talent,
then why didn't you participate in our amateur performers course?
You will excuse me, Skripach, but it's elementary koo!
End of part One.